Ways for Stay at Home Moms to irritate their husbands upon their arrival home

Photo Cred: CC (that is not Dennis)

I was reading and appreciating a really good post on brip blap today called How to be a good partner to a stay at home spouse, and it got me to thinking. Not only was I thinking about what a great blog brip blap is, and wondering to myself what the heck brip blap means, I was wondering how I, as a stay at home Mom, might be a better partner to My Bitter Half, who works outside the home. Now I'm also wondering if it's possible to be arrested for excessive comma use.

Anyway, I really don't know how to be kind of wife who inspires her husband to leap over halted traffic in a single bound to fly home for the privilege of flinging himself into my arms because he can't stand even one more second apart from me. Let me share some tips on something nearer and dearer to my heart. How to irritate your husband. I'm not saying I do all of these things, have done them in the past, or plan to do them in the future, but I've been around long enough how to know what would irritate him. And if it would irritate him, it would probably irritate your husband as well.

1. Cry. As soon as your husband walks in the door, be sure to let him find you in tears. Even better, be sure to let him know that he is the cause of those tears. Best yet, let him know that there's nothing he can do about them.


2. Be sitting on the couch laughing with a male friend. The sight of you sitting at home laughing with a male friend, who in your husband's eyes is sure to be seen as a slacker for not being on the job, is sure to clench his teeth. Doesn't matter if the man is five hundred pounds and toothless. He's been spending the day making headway at the purposeful seduction of his wife.


3. Ask him to take out the trash. NOW. Men love it when you bark orders at them, and then refuse to allow them the opportunity to do them at their own discretion.


4. Refuse him a snack, even though dinner won't be ready for an hour. This is just cruel. You've been feeding your cat pieces of chicken and cheese all day long. If you wouldn't do it to your cat, don't do it to your husband. Always a good rule of thumb.


5. Complain when he turns on the game. Unless you're right in the middle of a program, or your husband routinely treats you like a stinky jock strap when his game is on, hold your tongue. It's just something he has to do. How can he explain why to you when he doesn't even know himself?


6. Knock on the bathroom door and say "Are you still in there?". This is the first moment of peace he's had in ten hours. Don't you dare ruin it. Exception: All three of your triplets just took a runny dump at exactly the same moment.


7. Ask him if any of his co-workers are prettier than you. Unless your husband works at the DMV, the odds are not in your favor. It's best not to even think about it.


8. Casually suggest that he might be more comfortable without his shoes. He wants them on. I don't get it either, but it's true. The house could burn down at any moment. How's he going to save you and the kids without shoes?


9. Ask him to run out to the store. He just arrived home. The last thing he wants to do is face the hard, cold world again so soon.


10. Deny him even the possibility of a nap. If there's no possibility of a nap that evening, what's the point of it all?