The fart that shook the earth

Image via Wikipedia

Originally  posted 10/16/2009

Every morning my husband Dennis emerges from the bathroom at 5:30 am and blasts me with a shock of light.

I roll over and take my Levothyroid (I do this as soon as humanly possible since I am then required to wait for an hour before having food and *gasp* coffee) and then, as was the way of the past, fall back to sleep until 7:00 am.

The good old days came to a hasty halt last week when our two year old son Joseph realized that he can open the door of his room at his temporal discretion, scamper into the hallway and proclaim, "Mommy! Mommy! I want light on! I want my vitamin! It will make me strong!"

This usually happens at seven minutes of 6:00 am.

But not this morning. This morning at the callow hour of 5:31 am I tooted a squall so high in pitch and extensive in duration that folks buried at the local cemetery were prompted to tear at the earth above them and re-birth, zombified, on a beeline for the Tastee Freeze and long overdue coffee and jelly donuts.

Since I sleep in earplugs as defense against my husband's garbage truckian snores, it was not until I rolled over to check Joseph's baby monitor (yes I realize he's no longer a baby, if it were up to me I'd have that monitor on him well into high school) that I detected the fuss and caught Dennis gaping at me in wide-eyed sanctimonious husband-fury.

"You woke him up! That fart woke him up!" He pointed towards the monitor. "When I came out of the bathroom he was lying right there."

"I woke him up?"

Dennis corrected, "Your fart woke him up!"

Time to pay the piper. I slithered out of bed in search of Joseph's gummy Flintstones.

Zombie Attack Imminent!

And just like that...



...my faith in humanity is restored.

Some Florida hackers managed to alter at least two traffic signs either via computer or at the source last week to display this zombie evacuation warning.

Source: Don't fear: zombies are not near

As an aside, don't bother to get all dolled up for a zombie attack as you would for a vampire infestation. Zombies are not that cute, kind of slow, and tend to drool instead of gazing into your eyes with a piercing, agonized expression that says,

"Back away from me, woman! The scent of your sexyblood and your sexyblood alone drives me wild with passion! It hints at a catch and release experience that would satisfy me more deeply and fully than any caffeinated pleasures Señor Juan Valdez and his tasty little donkey snack could ever offer.

I want to kiss you, but I can tell that the taste of your blood would be so intoxicating to me that I might not be able to stop sucking your neck, causing you to die, which would most likely damage the don't ask don't tell vampire-human relations we've worked so hard to forge over the years with our 'We're here, we're inspiring fear, get used to it!' campaign."

However, I do recommend a quick trip to the store to stock up on water and batteries. Avoid any slow-moving store clerks who drag their good leg behind them when they walk.

Source:

Don't fear: Zombies are not near