Women know that stuff is just stuff

The Bitter Half just brought me the latest (12/22/08) issue of Newsweek and pointed out Anna Quindlen's latest "The Last Word" editorial called "Stuff is Not Salvation". He knows that I feel the same way and was thinking that I might want to blog about it. Am I a lucky woman or what? Thanks, Mr. Snugglepants.

"The drumbeat that accompanied Black Friday this year was that the numbers had to redeem us, that if enough money was spent by shoppers it would indicate that things were not so bad after all. But what the economy required was at odds with a necessary epiphany. Because things are dire, many people have become hesitant to spend money on trifles. And in the process they began to realize that it's all trifles."

"... he covets. That's his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we week out things to covet? ... We begin by coveting what we see every day ... don't your eyes seek out the things you want?"

There you have it. We are in the midst of a period of enlightenment. Due to economic necessity and the cyclical nature of things, more and more of us are starting to "get" the mentality of the generations of Americans that came before us. Credit is evil (think Lindsey Lohan). Idle hands do the devil's work (think Lindsey Lohan). Less is more (think Lindsey Lohan). Self-indulgence is wrong (think Lindsey Lohan). Waste not, want not (think - okay, you get it).

We're beginning to feel a little foolish and to wonder how and why we ever consumed so conspicuously. When I was making a lot of money and had few expenses, I used to go shopping all the time. Malls, discount stores, boutiques. When I wasn't out shopping, I was in shopping on eBay and Amazon. I saved nothing. And you know what? I can't think of one thing I purchased during that period that I still have today, that I still use or value. Not one thing. I've moved a few times, so what wasn't loved or useful went to charity or friends. What a sobering thought. Nothing that I purchased was loved or useful. It was a massive, pathetic, orgy of waste. None of my purchases filled the deepening hole inside me for longer than an instant. One might even speculate that they added fuel to my fire. I picture myself back then and see flashes of credit cards, last minute eBay sniping, back rooms piling with stuff. Sitting in the dark buying more and more, lonely and wasted like a flaming oil field off in the distance.

I wasn't trying to be better than anyone else by amassing so many useless things. I was shooting for par. I thought if I wore the right suit, had the right jewelry, the right shoes with no scuffs, the right fake highlighted hair, the right fake nails, and a good enough fake tan to hide the fullness in my thighs that I could sit down with the rest of you and not feel ashamed and unworthy. It was a losing battle when fought with things. A battle that was better fought by loving so deeply that everything around me melted and fell away until all that existed was love. Children can do that for a person.

How can we further quell our desire to amass? To keep up with the Joneses? The problem is complex, and I don't think there is one answer. I'm one of the worst offenders myself and need some re-schoolin'. But we can start by working together and walking the talk. Why is it so important to work together? To quote Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs (yeah yeah I know, just hear me out lol):

"... he covets. That's his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we week out things to covet? ... We begin by coveting what we see every day ... don't your eyes seek out the things you want?"

We watch television. HGTV to be specific. And we see twenty year olds buying massive, gorgeous first homes. We see all manner of people remodeling and "upgrading" their homes, ridding themselves of counter tops that aren't cookie-cutter granite, throwing out anything that does not fit the current and very specific ideal. We see real estate appraisers curling their lips with disgust and pointing and gasping and telling us that our homes, which look so much like those in the "before" scenes, are all wrong and even pitiable, that they simply must be changed and be changed NOW. We feel shame.

We watch The Food Network and see Giada, a professional chef who is a size negative zero, whose curiously large head is always perfectly coiffed, her upgraded nose and cleavage gleaming with perfection. Out of the corners of our eyes we catch our husbands innocently gazing at the television and we feel inferior. Everything about us is wrong. Don't our husbands deserve better? Time for an expensive gym membership. Better run out and buy new cooking gadgets, the most expensive virgin olive oils and serving platters, and lots of hair spray. Aren't the men we love worth it?

We are flooded with images of gadgets and wazoozles. Images that bend us and twist us and fill us with a hunger for things. Because only these things, these very specific new things, will allow us to express ourselves and present ourselves in the desired manner, to create the lifestyle and feel of home that we desire. Only these things will make our children feel loved, our husbands valued and appreciated, only what that guy has will do for them. They see it, they want it, they must have it or I will have failed them. They are so wonderful they deserve only the best.

Time to rip the needle off the record, ladies. As long as we keep buying what they're selling they're going to keep dishing it out. Time to stop letting people with a vested interest in making us feel shame and less than we really are dictate our realities. I don't pretend to know the right way to proceed. For each of us it will be different. But I think a good place to start is by giving ourselves some breathing room. Time to take an inventory of our lives. Get rid of people and things that are not necessary, sentimental or useful. Think ten times before making a purchase. And if we really do need something, let's see if we can repurpose an item we already own, or find it used at a thrift store, or buy it used on Craig's List from a family who could really use the money, or handmade from a stay at home Mom.

And one more request: Please stop buying your kid those $200 designer jeans. She doesn't need them to be loved and accepted. By buying them for her you just might be feeding into her suspicion that she does. And if your daughter is wearing them, then my daughter just might see them and want them because she will want Jordan or Brent to think she's pretty too. And it will never end.