Women like Candy

I heard it today. "Candy" by Cameo. Each and every time I hear this song my mouth draws open in amazement. I raise my hands and shake my head and open my ears as wide as they will go, and just take in the sheer mastery and horror that is Larry Blackmon's voice, and the symphony of Godawfulness that is the song's lyrics.

I have a burrito theory. Let's suspend reality for a moment and imagine a situation or thing as a tortilla. One one end of the tortilla is blood-curdling badness like Rosie O'Donnell or John Basedow. On the other end is pure goodness like a baby kissing a chipmunk. Now wrap that tortilla up like a burrito. The two ends overlap and touch to become one entity. In this sweet spot you will find things so horrid they become terrific, and so terrific they become horrific. In this sweet spot you will find Larry Blackmon's vocal stylings. In this sweet spot you will find "Candy".

Here. Let me share the lyrics. To enable you to better comprehend my burrito theory, I've included my notes.

Artist: Cameo ~ Song: Candy

It's like candy
I can feel it when you walk What, Candy? You can feel candy?
Even when you talk it takes over me
You're so dandy
I wanna know
Can you feel it too just like I do (What, an impending intestinal malfunction? Why yes Larry. Yes I do.)

(hoo!) <-?!?!?!?!?!?

This stuff is starting now
It's the same feeling
I always seem to get around you
There's no mistaking; I'm clearly taken
By the simple mere thought of you

(oh!) What, this stanza isn't "hoo!" worthy?


This stuff is starting now
This stuff is starting now
This stuff is starting now What stuff? What stuff? What stuff? What are you talking about??


(hoo!) Oh good, it's back.


My eyes roll in my head Ew.
I toss and turn in my bed Ew.
In the morning when I think about you

(yes I do) You'd better not.


Simply put, you're the reason why Why what?
Even though I'm real shy Clearly.

(real shy)

I attempt to look my best for you Women love codpieces, so you're on the right track.


(indeed I do - just for you)

Cause you affect me, fascinate me
I thank heaven for the things that you do (for the things that you do)
It's like candy
You sure are sweet - Sweet!
You're so dandy
You're taking my appetite - but it's all right You don't mean that. You just said it because it rhymes.


It's like candy Again with the candy.


(ooh, vanilla! oh, chocolate!) Vanilla candy?


You look real nice, wrapped up tight
You're so dandy
(in the night, if I have a little bit more like that) Huh? Like what? Little bit of what? Why at night?
You're giving me a heart attack I'm sorry!
It's the kind I like Oh, you like the heart attack. My bad.


It's like candy, you're so dandy...

(Why you do - why you do - baby)

You're like a brand new feeling (feeling)
In a special way What kind of man says special???
A surprise package
On a bright clear sunny day (you're so dandy)
And wrapped up tight

(so good - so good)

Strawberry! raspberry!
All those good flavors!
Violets and gumdrops
That's what you're saying to me I'm saying that? I"m sorry. I must be losing my mind. Violet isn't even a flavor, it's a color.


(ow!) You okay?


(sweet candy - candy)
It's like candy
Sure seems like good candy oh baby!

You're so dandy
Just keep doing what you do

you know what i mean
baby
it's like candy ohhhhhh
your so tender sweet candy
your like your like ohhhhhh

its like candy
fades

ETA: For Andrea, who's never before had the pleasure, here's Cameo on Arsenio Hall:



Can you think of any other songs of this caliber?