I've finally done it. I've gone and killed my brain.
For real this time.
Because I've been feeling and looking like over-sized dog balls in sweats since the exact moment my husband's sperm first connected with one of my ova about four years ago, and the weather's finally starting to come around, I'm doing my best to stay off of the computer and outside performing healthy activities with my kiddos.
I've been feeling human again, with a hint of a spring in my step. My kids are happier. The sun has touched my arms and face more this last two weeks than it has the last year.
Or three.
But, as is the way of things, for everything we gain, something has to go. And what I've lost, it seems, is any chance I had at becoming a writer.
I sat down a short while ago and performed a one word mind map as a writing exercise. I couldn't think of a good word, so I Googled around and found a website that spits out random words upon command. The first word was uninspiring. The second, ludicrous. (Not literally.) The third was so dull it just made me angry.
I took the fourth because I didn't want to be angry no mo. That word was "hole".
Okay, "hole", here we go. Branches:
dismal
dark
see through it
the band
ruin
donuts
in a sock
poke
Alright. What to do with my little mind map. Hmm. Perhaps I'll try my hand at a poem.
Hole
When I think of dismal
I think of your hole
I can see through it,
Courtney Love is a fool
I want to eat donuts
in your hole
And poke a sock
through your hole
and
:-\
WTF?!?
Okay, I've tried this mind mapping business before and was able to eke out better stuff. Not good stuff, mind you. Just better stuff. Keeping in mind, of course, that I am not a poet, never have been a poet, and have no mind to ever be one. I just attempt it every third jumping-frog moon because I am compelled by a dark force, the same dark force that compels me to wear lime green velour pants and like it.
I mind mapped "afraid" on 10/22/09 and came up with this:
fear
water
clowns
cold earth
pill bugs
branches
Which led to...
Afraid
The smell of fear
is in the water
Somebody's spiked
the punch bowl
and that clown doesn't care
that I'm Somebody's daughter
Cougar's breath's on
the neck of the foal
So I burrow farther
into the cold, wet earth
With her pill bugs and roots
and no light, and no air
For safety
and control
© Heather Kephart
It's not great, but more satisfying than what I was able to produce today, after three or so weeks of avoidance of my blog.
My family and my health is my top priority at this point & I've really been working to get things on track. But I also want to be a writer. So I'm going to try to get my butt in here at least once a week and put my nose to the grindstone.
I apologize to those in my social networking circle. I'm not going to spend a fraction of the time going forward that I used to spend online reading and commenting on my favorite blogs, nor am I going to do a ton of blog promotion. Please do not feel obligated to comment here. I will probably not be able to return the favor, and that just ain't raht.
I do wish everyone the best. Please know that my attempts to peel myself away from the web are not meant to be attempts at peeling myself away from you. It's simply the best thing right now for home and heart. I need to lose a gazillion pounds and get healthy and learn how to be a fun playground Mom. Folks, we can rebuild her!
I have no clue what the future holds, outside of green tea. But I know it's good. For all of us. Huggles and puggles to all y'all web people.
Hey Heather,
ReplyDeleteOkay...I want to see those green velour pants!! Seriously...they sound like way too much fun!!
And your poems...are...definitely with a flair for the unusual!! And hey - that makes you unique - and that's pretty darn cool right there. Throw in some lime green, and you are rockin' the world.
Enjoy the outdoors, the kiddos, and all that's good and right in your day!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Reflecting On It All =-.
Hi Heather,
ReplyDeleteCool poem. And as for your decision to not spend so much time in front of this silly little screen, and actually get out and enjoy life with your family ... Bravo!!!
Enjoy your kids ... "online social networking" will still be here when you decide to pop in on it. And ultimately, living life will probably provide you with much more interesting (and uplifting) material to write about; for those occasions when you do stop by to share your latest thoughts.
Catch up with you again soon,
Todd
.-= Todd Morris´s last blog ..Build Your Own Deck In Iraq =-.
Okay. Enough of the negative self-talk :) Fact is; you are already a writer. My personal definition of a "writer" is someone who likes to write and is good at it. Stop stressing about the "becoming" part. If at this moment in your life, you don't have time to be parking your ass in front of the computer, so what? It will be there when you are ready. Gifts do become stronger when exercised, but they don't disappear if you tuck them away for awhile. A person out there living her life ends up with more to write about, don't you think? Don't be so tough on yourself.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think, and you can take or leave any bits of this that you wish. You are a born essayist. I believe this because I am an essayist and recognize this in you. So...what to DO with this talent? That's your dilemma isn't it? For an essayist, blogging feels like a good medium. However, there are a kajillion blogs out there, and who really reads them besides family and other bloggers? You have expressed a desire to write novels, so I think you need to find a way to develop what you're really good at into the form you want your writing to take.
You don't need word play. You know words. You express yourself very well, so unless it's entertaining for you, what's the point? If it were me (and I do realize it's NOT me) I would play around with activities that would keep me sharp and might develop into something in the future, such as random character sketches, plot lines in different genres, dialogues, and descriptive paragraphs.
Sorry about the unsolicited advice. I've never actually given you advice before because advice tends to come across as criticism and that's not my intention. I just hate to see you feeling badly about yourself as a writer.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Sisters =-.
I'm sure it will, Todd. I've been working on getting over my social shyness and anxiety by speaking with people I meet at the park with the kids. It's helping to get me out of my shell. Every now and then my mind goes completely blank, but I imagine in time I'll be blabbing away with the rest of the folks. Then, hopefully, I will be able to relax enough to stop focusing on myself and my flaws and melt into my surroundings, take them in, and express them back at you in interesting ways.
ReplyDeleteHope all is well with you in Iraq.
Dawn, THANK YOU for the compliments. Also, for the excellent advice. You are so right. The form of writing I am comfortable with doesn't allow me to produce anything concrete and marketable. I've been dabbling with fiction, but so far I'm finding it to be quite frustrating. Is it possible to change the form of our writing into something completely different? It's one thing to express ourselves and write about our feelings and the subtle nuances that catch our attention, another to create stories and write through a filter of multiple imagined personas. It's totally different. I feel like a clogger trying to learn to waltz. My neck isn't long enough, and the shoes don't fit. I'm not half as good as the least good professional waltzer. At what point does it become apparent that it will or will never be?
ReplyDeleteSeems to me that you are on the right track "rebuilding" yourself. It is complicated to try and consolidated everything and take it from me, there is nothing more important than our kids, our health, our well being and everything else that goes with those three things. I believe that there is always the right thing for the right time and I am here just to say that you are not alone and wish you all the best. Like you, I will be checking your blog out once in a while (yay, RSS), lol
ReplyDeleteHi Frantesco, good to see you. :) I simply couldn't proceed the way I was going. Plus, the kids are getting to the age where I need to start exposing them to more stuff, and *gasp* get out there myself in the process. So far so good. I'm hoping that a year from now we'll all be feeling and looking great, or brains revved and primed and ready to perform admirably.
ReplyDeleteHope all is well over at your 70's and fish-themed dance pub DiTesco's Groovy Grotto.
Wow... I take a break from commenting (still writing up a storm), and I come back and a dozen people are "retiring" fully or in part.
ReplyDeleteI think you have the words in you. Maybe you just need some time to let them out.
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Don’t Abandon Your Blog! Mothball it to preserve your asset value =-.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteStop 'wanting' to be a writer, and BE one. You are what you believe you are, so...
Live your passion, and never apologize for it. Enjoy your life, and find your happy every day. You can have all you want, and more. I believe that.
Kim
I feel like a clogger trying to learn to waltz
ReplyDeleteIf you like you can join my new business venture in unmotivating people. Our heroes are The Grinch and mean people in general. We exist to wreak havoc and create misery. When we see people working hard to change their lives we do things to unmotivate them.
For example, iif you see a heavier person jogging you can offer them a donut or tell them that exercise will only kill them sooner. Be like Darth Vader and give into the Dark Side.
Or you can ignore everything I said because I am nuts and everyone knows it. I suspect you'll get it all sorted out.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Daddy Blogger Community =-.
Are you seeing a trend, Dave? I'd hate to see what happened if you took a month-long vacation to Rome. Perhaps the whole internet would crash.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the visit, and be well. :)
Remember Heather, we can make possible everything we wish. It is up to us to make it possible or not. I believe you're a good writer and a promising poet. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kim! And you are so right. I believe that we need to mentally dress for the job we want, not the one we have. However, to call myself a writer at this point seems pretentious and presumptuous. I haven't put in the hard knocks yet. Writing is a discipline. Until I've disciplined myself to write every day, whether I feel like it or not, and still produce quality material, I won't feel right calling myself a writer. It seems like a disservice to those who have put in the time.
ReplyDeleteI will, however, get there. Dawn's advice struck a chord. I've decided to work on flash fiction pieces of 250-750 words on a daily basis in an attempt to build some new fiction muscles. Hope it works! Have a great week, Kim, and thank you so much for your time.
If you want to call me fat just come out and say it, Jack. :lol: :wink:
ReplyDeleteWell thank you, Sir! I'm starting to realize that it's not laziness that is holding me back, but a combination of a) misdirected energy and b) erroneous assumptions about the nature of talent. With regards to the latter, I always thought that if we had a chance to do something well, it should show right from the start. It should come easy to us. I keep reading about writers of fiction and how they have always been storytellers, many since childhood. I haven't. My only attempts at writing back then were diary entries and poetry. I can't tell a story to save my life. I can banter, but I don't have the recall to relate a story say, over dinner, and my creative muscles have atrophied, rendering me incapable of verbally relating a spontaneous story. I (word)play off of other people. It's difficult for me to draw solely upon myself for extended periods of time.
ReplyDeleteI read something yesterday that was encouraging. (I wish I can remember where I read it.) It was something along the lines of how it's possible to learn fiction writing as a skill, just like we can learn to play the piano, or draw. I have to believe that the efforts I am putting in are not misdirected energy, that they will lead to something someday, a concrete skill that I can draw upon to relate the nutty ideas in my head, and hopefully entertain others.
Anyway, thanks for your encouragement. Take care.
Heather, it's good to see you back even though you won't be around as much anymore. It's funny to me how parallel our lives are...I feel myself being sucked into the whole blogging thing and when I took a few days off, it feels good and I almost dread starting again. That sucks. I wasn't having fun with it...too much pressure. But now I'm letting that go. I've also stopped working on my book as well for now anyway...it was too much pressure as well. I was ignoring my kids so I could write about how badly I wanted kids. So backwards, right?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I do hope you'll come back at some point because I love your writing and your poetry. You're very witty, insightful and just downright funny.
.-= Helene´s last blog ..They say it’s your birthday…well, it’s my birthday too =-.
I always thought that if we had a chance to do something well, it should show right from the start. It should come easy to us.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that this is a universal truth or something that should prevent you from trying to follow your dreams. One of the reasons that great athletes are great is because of their work ethic. They practice constantly and work on developing the weaker areas of their game.
Writing takes practice and there is no shame in it. I have always been a strong writer, but I know that my writing has become better because I work it. And I still have a lot of room for improvement, keep pushing.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Daddy Blogger Community =-.
I don't get most poetry. Yet, I love to write it. Maybe because it's short snippets of words to spin a feeling or a thought much in the same way a painter puts color to canvas. And this is very much what I see, color.
ReplyDeleteI was just speaking of you the other day, I'm not sure to which child, but I compared your writing to that of Janet Evanovich. Relaxed, relate-able, a tad off-beat, and fun. Writing will be there when you are ready. Your kids are only little once. Enjoy being mommy and living and those experiences will feed your inner-author. We'll still be here. :)
.-= Anne Bender´s last blog ..Rapture =-.
Heather!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreen velour pants!!! And...fuzzy socks!!! How cool is that!!!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
I think I'm officially at the bottom of the cool heap Lance, but I'm fine with it. As long as I get to wear 70's castoffs on occasion I'm happy as a clam. Have a good Tuesday!
ReplyDeleteAnne! I love you! (Not in an I want to lick your face kind of way.) Thanks for introducing me to Janet Evanovich. I think you mentioned Stephanie Plum once before on FB. For you to compare me to her is quite a compliment. :D I took a look at her site last night and it's given me a new direction. My fiction has been a little dark, and I haven't been able to inject any magic in it whatsoever. After reading Janet's page I am reminded that writing is FUN, and even learning something new (like fiction) needn't been a soul-scraping misadventure. I am going to head to Half Price Books today and get her stuff, and look to her as a mentor of sorts. I've always been a fan of women detectives and, although SP is a bounty hunter, it may be a direction I want to take. Anyway, THANKS for inadvertently letting me know that I can be nutty and have fun with my fiction as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about seeing colors when you write and re-arranging them on the page is utterly fascinating. I've never heard that before. I see images like with a movie, and feel emotions, but I do not see colors and try to arrange them the way you do. Have you given any thought to writing lyrics a'la Jannie Funster? I think you'd be good at it. I think you might be able to craft a good song about arranging colors you feel to put things into place.
Hello Helene and thanks! It's just nuts how (per Eva Robinson) kids inspire us to do so many wonderful things, and simultaneously prevent us from doing so. :) I think that when our kids are older and in school full-time we should be able to throw ourselves into our writing, but until then maybe we can work on polishing our skills so that when we do have the time to pursue our writing dreams, we will be better prepared.
ReplyDeleteAs for you, your skills are firmly intact. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Every time I read one of your blog posts I think of it as one of those masterpiece posts that the rest of us are able to produce once a season. You have such a talent for expressing the love and goofiness of family life. It's a shame you can't get a column in a local paper. I'm sure so many would be interested to read it.
In any case, thanks for the kind words & the encouragement!
Room for improvement? YOU? For shame! ;-) Thanks, Jack. And you are so right. In fact, they seem to spend most of their time working on the weaker areas of their game. Interesting point you've brought up.
ReplyDeleteI decided to comment because you said you won't be spending time making return comments. I've been the same way often and I appreciate your candor. Go life!
ReplyDelete.-= Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog ..Authentic Inspiration Zaps Procrastination =-.
Seems like everyone's getting in on the get healthy bandwagon. It's one bandwagon I want to be on if there ever was one. :) I've tested my new running shoes out a couple of nights ago and i'm intending to go again tonight. :) Endorphins are amazing, don't you agree? :) Plus the quality time with your kids is priceless.
ReplyDelete:D I gotta try that mind map thingy. I've never done that before! :p
ps. Startin' to get that Texas twang?
.-= reyjr´s last blog ..Manny Pacquiao vs Joshua Clottey results: Pacquiao victorious! =-.
Hi Rey. :) For me it's not a bandwagon thing, or a fad. I've done every diet in the book and most of the exercise fads, and I'm thinking this contributed to the state of my thyroid being out of whack. I'm doing it so I won't be sick, and so I'll be able to keep up with my young kids. As it is, I'm so out of shape that to even walk with them is a challenge. But let me tell you, just getting outside and moving a bit, getting to the point of sweating, is making me feel so good. And the kids are loving every second of it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't forget about the importance of being outside in the natural light. We computer people often spend way too much time indoors, and our brains don't take in the full spectrum light they need. That can keep us feeling groggy and lethargic. You don't want to go nuts of course and get a sunburn, but the light is very important.
You're young and springy, I'm sure running must be very satisfying for you! Just be careful of your knees. (OMG I sound like so much of a Grandma lol) I pick up accents, so every now and then a funny word will get thrown in there if I've spent time around somebody with an accent. Other than that, it's all valley girl. (Gag!)
Hi Tom, thanks for coming by and appreciating my candor. :) We all have a limited amount of personal time to dole out in ways that best suits our needs or goals. Right now I have a need to be healthy and be with my kids, and a goal of becoming a novelist. Therefore, I need to be spending my minute amount of free time supporting those things. Wish I'd figured this out years ago!
ReplyDeleteLove the sound of your latest blog.
I'm tempted to book a flight immediately.
ReplyDeleteHow's the flash fiction going?
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..A League of Ordinary Bloggers – Anyone can do this, so few do =-.
I heart Stephanie Plum.
ReplyDelete.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..A League of Ordinary Bloggers – Anyone can do this, so few do =-.
Follow your instincts. Heh.
ReplyDeleteIt's going well,thanks. :) My goal is to write fiction daily, even if it's 100 words. I have a private blog where I post my responses to various writing prompts. I'm hoping that over time I will improve and some things I currently struggle with will become second-nature, allowing me to focus on more intermediate and advanced fiction writing skills and techniques.
I also applied to a writer's workshop/critique group. I should know in a month or so if I'm approved.
Hope all is well with you on and off the 'net.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing "your return to feeling human again" ;)
About your writing progress I comment:
-You are getting better and better because your writing style reminds me Heather Kephart (yes, yourself!)... Every time you get close to your heart, your writing style rocks!
-The labels should be forbidden. Nobody should be called a writer. A writer is somebody labeled as a "writer" even when s/he doesn't write. I prefer the "gerund" that describes the action. Nobody is a writer but some are WRITING. And you are WRITING extremely well when you follow your heart.
- Yes, writing skills is like any other skill. It can be developed by practice. reading and writing are the best way of getting better. And maybe I am just explaining how to swim from outside of the pool.. ;) - In other words, I am not the best writer, but I know that the practice of reading and writing definitely helps...
-Your writing exercise, it is very related to my last post about creativity: "be creative, even if you are uncreative per nature!" In this post I share a technique called "random word" to stretch our creativity. You don't need any fancy "random word spitting website"... You just open a dictionay randomly and use the first noun that you find. But, and this a big BUT, you never replace the noun that you find because the words is uninspiring, ludicrous or dull...
You know what? If you are serious about writing, please keep living your life as you have decided, but please, go, check my post about being creative and then, this is your homework: Take the first word that you found "uninspiring" and write anything that you can imagine following the connections between your writing career and the word. I am sure that you will finally will write a fabulous story or article based on the "uninspiring word"
.-= Boris´s last blog ..Google Wave – An update =-.
So do I! :) Then again, I'm part Bohemian and from New Jersey. It's like being with family when I read about Stephanie Plum, only she's 1,000 times more interesting.
ReplyDelete.-= Anne Bender´s last blog ..Why Do We Do Those Things We Do – The Set Up =-.
Boris, I can't thank you enough for the time and the great thoughts! You are of course right. And maybe... MAYBE... just a little bit brilliant, too. :)
ReplyDelete(Maybe.) ;-)
Heather,
ReplyDeleteYou are extremely kind in your reply... ;)
(For sure)
Thanks!
Boris
.-= Boris´s last blog ..Be creative, even if you are uncreative per nature! =-.