Humor is no joke

People have been asking me why I'm not writing humor too often these days. Here are my thoughts on the eschew. (Get it? Ahahaaa!) *ahem*

1) Why should I be writing humor? I never claimed to be funny. In fact, I'm not.

2) It's hard to write funny stuff when you're happy. Happy people just aren't all that funny. In fact, sometimes they're rather irritating and you just want to slap them. Left to my own devices I'd come in here every morning dressed in a Tinkerbell outfit and write an Ode to Joy. In fact, I may still do that.

3) I'm not funny.

4) The only possibility of being funny for me resides in banter. I need to play off of you. But you're not here. You're selfishly doing your own thing while I'm struggling here to come up with a somewhat amusing post just to appease you. God, the unfairness of that just makes me want to spit.

5) I could try to write funny stuff about my life, but then I'd feel like a jerk. Whenever I write about the kids I see comments here and there about how it's mean to write about your kids because some day like 15 years from now somebody they know may see that post about Joe holding a piece of poop in his fist and he won't be able to find a date to the prom. I don't need more reasons to feel Mommy Guilt. I've got them by the truckload. Why should I go out of my way to manufacture more? And isn't it kind of mean to write about The Bitter Half and leave him open to public humiliation like that? Isn't being married to me enough of a cross to bear?

6) I was in the shower this morning and my cat flung open the bathroom door somehow and thrust his fuzzy little face in there and started just meowing like a freaking maniac cat. I asked him if he was planning to be irritating all day long. His eyes told me he was.

And so I sit here writing about my hopes and fears and eccentricities and you sit there wrapping a noose around your neck, just daring me to write one more painfully boring word so you can fling yourself out the window just to spite me. Oh great, now it's more Blogger Guilt as well.

And just who do you think you are anyway to expect me to be funny? I don't need that kind of pressure. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be funny? To open yourself up to that kind of rejection? It's easy for me to talk honestly about things of which other people would never dare to speak. But it's hard to cast a joke out into the river and wait for a fish to leap out of the water and jump on my joke hook. In this scenario, you would be the fish. And I would be vulnerable.

So there you have it. And don't you dare succomb to pathos and say nice things in your comment like, "But you are funny.", or worse yet, "I like you just the way you are.".