And this is the Twilight of my life

I watched Twilight last night. I am currently reading the book, a page at a time at night before I pass out between the pages. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I knew I should wait on the film, but I couldn't help myself. I was sitting, popcorn on lap, scrolling through Movies on Demand and about to rent Hamlet 2 when I saw it. Twilight. At first I didn't even make the connection. I clicked on "more info" and saw the name Bella. My mind belatedly clicked into gear and I went cold. Twilight! Since I've only just begun the book, I wasn't sure if I should spoil it by watching the film. I asked my husband Dennis for advice. "Watch it." he said. Who am I to disobey?

It was wonderful. The casting was perfect. I felt as though I was going to leap out of my skin through 98% of it. Did I mention I'm 39 years old?

Still, when it was said and done I was left with a sense of melancholy. There's something to being reasonably young and reasonably beautiful. It allows you to watch a film like Twilight and imagine yourself as Bella. That you too just might be able to inspire the same sort of passion and desire in a handsome young vampire. Mind you, I found and am quite content with my soulmate and handsome middle-aged vampire Dennis and don't plan to be out chasing handsome young vampires any time this century. But that's hardly the point. There's something in the knowing that you could if you wanted to. There's something to living in a world of infinite possibilities and open doors.

In the world of movies and quite possibly the world at large, beauty = good, and good = beauty. As our beauty dissipates, does our goodness dissipate as well? Surely not. Still, I've been struggling with my relationship to the mirror these days. Just when exactly did I fade away and this mean old lady appear? The kind of woman you might expect to yell at you to eat your vegetables from the other end of the cafeteria? Where did my external Bella go? I know she's still there on the inside. How is it possible that no trace of her should remain on the outside?

I know why women my age are just as fond of Twilight as our teen counterparts. Edward Cullen is passionate and steadfast. He's more beautiful than Claudia Schiffer, and is the embodiment of restrained and tormented superpower. He only has eyes for Bella, even though or perhaps because she is the source of his torment. Bella doesn't have to compete for him, she simply has to be. She was quite literally made for him. Edward breathlessly says things like, "You are my world now". When he said she'd be better off in Jacksonville because he couldn't hurt her anymore and she panicked and asked him to stay he said, "Where on Earth would I go".

In a world where men leave, Edward does not.

(Mind you, I haven't yet read the other three books in the series so please don't spoil it for me!)

I can't wait to finish Twilight so I can move on to the next in the series. I'm not getting any younger, you know.