Originally posted by me at my iVillage Expecting Club shortly after I gave birth to my son Joseph 12/06. I'm keeping it here so I never forget how very wrong I can be about something so very important.
OK I admit it now. Before I had Joseph I used to secretly bemoan all the "whining" moms did. I work full time and I used to get irritated when I heard or read moms complaining about how difficult it is to be a SAHM. I figured - oh sure, many have to work a full 8 hour day, commute, AND do everything you do. I thought they should perhaps consider themselves lucky that they have the choice to stay at home with their babies/kids and quit complaining.
I apologize. I was wrong. I had no idea how difficult the job is.
Don't get me wrong - I've never been happier or more fulfilled. I've never known love so great or strong, nor have I felt the tug of the biological pull that draws me to my son like a magnet and makes me cry so often tears of joy when I see him, hear him, smell him or think of him. My life has been better each and every day since he was born into this world, and I know things will get even better with the passage of time.
But sheeeeeeeeeeeeeyiht! This job never ends! I find myself thinking and saying all of the phrases I've heard and read before and suddenly they make perfect sense. If you haven't been there, you simply can't know. You don't get to step down from "high alert" for one second of the day because your baby might need you. You don't look forward to sleep because you know you won't be getting any. You can't enjoy going out at night and unwinding (aka drinking) because you know you won't be sleeping that night and it will just make things harder on you and your baby. You don't get to schedule your day (or your baby's day) anymore. You TRY. But it doesn't work. You need to learn to do the best you can but leave time and room in your temperament for flexibility. You learn to survive in what feels like a different dimension of an alternate universe due to the complete and total mental and physical exhaustion you feel. Sometimes you sob for 1/2 hour straight because you are trying to take out the trash and wipe the counter because you are expecting company and your baby is crying and it tears at your heart and no matter what you do you can't comfort him. Sometimes you have to just accept that you will not be able to get a darn thing "done" that day besides tend to your baby and see that his needs are met and that he is safe and feels loved.
And then your baby smiles at you. One of those big toothless grins that makes time stop and it feels as though there are sugar-winged butterflies tickling your heart. You sit back with a tear and a smile and hold your baby for a few minutes until you notice another sensation - your stomach is rumbling because you haven't eaten yet today and you don't see that happening any time soon unless you can scrounge up a breakfast bar or a banana.
Moms, if hats didn't make my big fat head look even bigger and fatter I would wear one just so I could tip it to you. Though sometimes you feel inadequate, lonely and unappreciated you put on a smile for your young one(s) and you don't ever give up because you know there isn't anything more important or fulfilling that you could be doing at that moment. You are the essence of the divine.
My mother was a SAHM, so my respect for SAHMs comes pretty naturally. Growing up, I saw first-hand the sacrifices she made on a day to day basis, and I can only hope that I will be as dedicated and as selfless if I ever have children.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. I found that you can't say "never" or "always" no matter what. You know until you try it yourself. It being anyting. When you wrote, "You don't get to step down from "high alert" for one second of the day because your baby might need you" That in itself consumes your energy!!!
ReplyDeleteI know if I worked outside of the home, I'd be in for a big surprise. Working from home works for me, but I don't expect it to work for others, just like being a SAHM is not for everyone.
lol! So true. Just like the women that say they have it ALL together and can do it ALL are LYING!!! Liars, big fat liars. They lie to themselves and to everyone else. No one can do it ALL and do it all by themselves. Must be the meth they're taking ;)
ReplyDeleteMine was a SAHM as well, taking the occasional job when we were older. I know now the many sacrifices she made to make us her top priority. I didn't know then. At the time I fear I took her for granted. I didn't know how lucky I was - I was just happy.
ReplyDeleteLet it out, girl! lol
ReplyDeleteHey Mel, isn't it a little odd that the original post disappeared from the Snowflakes EC? I didn't even know it was gone when Des re-posted it. I certainly didn't delete it. Doesn't that mean that somebody at IV did? I don't think the CL's have the power to do that.
<span>We're all so different. I think we're supremely lucky in this day and age to have the option to be a SAHM, WAHM or WOHM. One shoe does not fit all! We should all shoot for whatever option allows us to be the best possible parent to our kids. And for many that means working outside the home full time. (Just want to make it clear that I'm not by any means bashing full-time working away Moms.)</span>
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I think it's wonderful that women have so many (socially acceptable) choices now-a-days. I know what you mean about the never ending job being a SAHM is. After my maternity leave (1 year) I went back to work two days a week. My son is with my mother-in-law, safe and happy. I look at work as being my weekend :) It's like having a minbreak from the mom routine for 8 hours while still contributing to my household in a monetary fashion. It's the perfect balance for me and "my" family, and I couldn't be happier to have the choice. A big pat on the back to all the women who went before us hey?
Heather, this post pulled at the heartstrings! I used to think the same thing about SAHM's....when my sister would complain, I'd tell her that she didn't have a clue how easy she had it. Now as a SAHM I totally get it. It's an endless job, it's a thankless job but I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. I think it's a privilege for me to be able to stay home with them. And when times are tough and I feel like I just wanna crumble into a big heap on the ground, I remind myself that these days go by quickly and soon I won't need to stay home with them b/c they won't need me as much as they do now.
ReplyDelete