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I'm insane about being responsive to my babies. One of my worst nightmares involves a smiling Joe or Lily turning to meet my eye, giddy with discovery or accomplishment, and being met with the side of my head. If this happens enough times will they stop wanting to share and burrow deep inside themselves? To be honest, this is one of the main reasons I need to be with them. Why I quit my job and decided against daycare. I'm not saying it's rational. It just is.
Yet I am compelled to write. How do I get past this? I've always thought of writing as a solitary endeavor involving a cabin in the woods, a rusty old typewriter and a tin mug filled with java-laced Wild Turkey. To be honest, that's the way I'd want to do it. When I think of writing I don't picture a middle-aged woman, wet hair in a clip, stirring black eyed peas with one hand and ruffling her young son's hair with the other.
I could stay up all night and write, but I suffer from an inconvenient sleep situation. I require eight solid hours per night. If I don't get it I become emotional and fuzzy-brained. My temples throb. What feels like an overweight hamster with a limp takes up residence in my frontal lobe. And paces. Everything seems too bright. Happiness irritates me. My sense of perception falters and nothing seems right.
I've thought about training my brain. One good sentence per day. I was going to share that one sentence with the world to keep me honest. But then I realized that I can't come up with one good sentence a month. It really sucks to be compelled to do something for which you have no natural talent. I think about those of you to whom writing comes easily, it's as easy as breathing and yet you have no desire to pursue it. And I think unhelpful thoughts about you.
Maybe if I keep writing the answer will come to me. I would go to the answer, but I don't know where to find it.
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Heather,
ReplyDeleteIsn’t that one of the hardest bits about being a mom, trying to find a definite balance, not just a run of averages? Do you get much “alone time”? I find having an uninterrupted hour or two a day helps me to be more me.
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Hi Aimee, :) I don't get much alone time. Every now and then the kids' naps will coincide for a brief period of time, but I find that there are so many things I want to do during those moments that I often become paralyzed with indecision and get nothing done. You're right, I should work on this & come up with a plan I can jump on during these moments!
ReplyDeleteRecent blog:=- Monday Weigh-In
If only you were a vampire, then you wouldn't have to sleep.
ReplyDeleteI love what you wrote about not knowing how much time had passed...I know it's disconcerting, but I love that feeling b/c it means I was really in the zone.
I think you're right though...the answer is to keep writing. Don't stop.
Recent blog:=- Writing music, writing feeling
Okay now that vampire/sleep comment was hilarious, Julie! Yes, if only.
ReplyDeleteRecent blog:=- The beauty of gray
Okay, this post filled me with so much anxiety about being with MY babies that I had to put off commenting until AFTER I'd smothered them with so much love and attention that even they wanted me to back off. Whew. :) I, too, suffer from your "inconvenient sleep situation," which definitely puts us at a disadvantage. Add to that the fact that it's summer (no school), and you have a whole mess of Mommy-as-Writer Angst. I either need a wife or a nanny, I've concluded.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree, we have to keep writing whenever we can... I have another one brewing for my copywriting site (finally). Heaven knows when it'll get done, though... sigh.
Recent blog:=- Writing as Exercise (Plunge Like There’s No Tomorrow)
Lea, give yourself a break! You have like ZERO time. In fact, the time you have to write might even be counted in negative digits. Plus, for you writing is not just an affair but a job. That puts a whole new spin on things. Do what you can when you can if you actually want to do it. And let go of the internal nag!
ReplyDeleteThis notion of "one good sentence a day" only encourages the inner critic. Go for 1500 words of utter dreck. Then, at the end of the week, see what you can cull from that. The point is to apply butt to chair and WRITE. Tell yourself there IS no such thing as "writer's block." There is "I don't want to write right now," and "I have nothing to say at the moment," and "I have this urge - this itch - to write, but the inner critic just won't shut the h*** up until I numb her with [food, alcohol, a baseball bat], and I think my time would be better spent picking lint balls off the carpet."
ReplyDeleteWanna be my NaNoWriMo writing buddy? That's 1667 words a day - fast and furious and if it's not pretty crappy, then you're just not doing it right.
In other words, relax. Don't even think of it as "writing." Think of it as telling a story.
Holly, that's such go... Wait a sec, I see a lint ball. *grunt grunt* There. That's such good information. Sure, I'll be your NaNoWriMo writing buddy! Looks like there's a website for it. (NaNoWriMo.) I should explore a bit and see how it works. You know, so I can talk myself out of it.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of just blasting away at the keyboard with no thought to logic or quality. Or the reason for doing it in the first place.