"...Having spent a huge portion of my young adulthood not liking and wanting to change myself, I can say that for me, the end goal is so much more exciting and full of possibility when I work on coming to terms with who I am and making the best of my own unique endowments.~ Eva Robertson, The Dogwood Diarist
I'll never forget seeing "Blue Velvet" with Isabella Rosselini and being amazed at the amount of cottage cheese on the back of her thighs and the way it squished about during a lovemaking scene. Suddenly, I found myself liking cellulite, even wanting more of it than I had, because I wanted to BE the desirable woman in Blue Velvet, and something about this actress's abandon and ability to revel in her imperfect body, the way it gave and took pleasure, the way it couldn't have been otherwise for her to be truly and deeply HERSELF, was compelling and charismatic beyond belief. I thought: this woman could make a double chin beautiful; she was so self-possessed, confident, commanding and serious. This was the way I wanted to be.
The trick, of course, is to love one's OWN flaws, not a Hollywood celebrity's."
Happymaking Post: Affirmation Danger
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I've never seen that movie but I agree that Isabella Rosselini could make any flaw beautiful! I often wonder what the secret is to feeling comfortable, confident and sexy when the world sometimes doesn't see it the same way. I'm thinking of that comedian Monique...she's a large woman but she just oozes confidence and a level of sexiness that I couldn't pull off if my life depended on it.
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I wish I could get back all the hours I've spent lamenting about some supposed physical flaw. I hate that! Having two daughters has helped me over the years to see beauty differently, not just in others (easy part), but myself (harder part :) long live cellulite (since clearly it isn't going anywhere)!
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Part I of II (JS-Kit has character limits)
ReplyDeleteEva, you strong evolved creature you! I'm continually blown away by your insight and mastery in getting your point across in an artful manner. And I agree with you. I want to be able to feel that way too. I want to embrace my flaws and accept them and even learn to love them.
But I never will.
I feel sort of like how Helene does. Everyone I know and don't know would look at my post-baby body (and probably my pre-baby body as well) and feel either revulsion or pity or both. I feel confident in saying that nobody would gaze upon my bloated still-pregnant-looking tummy and say "Aww", or my belly flap from two c-sections and think to themselves, "Now there's a beautiful badge of honor!". They would look and make a face and think "Ick". I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being a realist. I never have been nor will I ever be comfortable in my own skin.
I have always been different. I'm 5'9" and growing up I was always a head taller than most of my classmates. People actually walked up to me on a daily basis, strangers and acquaintances alike, and said things like "Do you know you're tall?", and the brilliant observation "You're tall". To one girl in 7th grade I finally stopped looking down at my feet and wanting to run and instead stupidly said, "Yeah, and you're short. So what." She said "I'm not short, I'm NOR-MAL. You're not."
This is the world we live in. If I were to attempt to embrace my current condition I would deal with people on a daily basis saying things like, "Do you know you're fat?", "You're fat", "You've really let yourself go", "You haven't aged well", or "What a fat ass". They're doing it because they're trying to help, you see. Surely I must be blind to my condition. They're making me aware of it so I can fix myself. They're doing me a favor.
(cont.)
(cont.) Part II of II
ReplyDeleteAnd what about self-improvement? We're not supposed to accept ourselves as we are, are we? Aren't we supposed to be the best that we can be in all things? How can I accept and embrace something that I know I am or will shortly actively work very hard to "correct". It doesn't compute. Either it's okay or it isn't.
There is a school of thought that says we need to face our fears to be free of them. We need to put ourselves in unimaginable positions in order to realize that we can emerge on the other side of them unscathed. The world goes on. It's not that big of a deal. Nobody CARES. They're too busy either obsessing about their own imperfections either perceived or very real (whatever perfection is if it even is that is) or trying to shed a light on ours so they can hide out with theirs in the cover of darkness and free of the soul-crushing entity that is public scrutiny. I've done a bit of that and come out far the better for it. But I am not planning to jog down the street in a bikini any time soon.
I hope I am able to grown up someday and move past all of this. Until then I will be happy as happy can be without being happy with me. And I will be happy to have connected with such wonderful people as I didn't know existed on this here computer thing.
Hi Margo! I want to be you when I grow up.
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I think it's easier for African-American women. I hate to speak for entire culture but what the heck I'm going to do it anyway. Most black men (is it African-American or black?) like a little meat on the bone. The song is called "Baby Got Back" not "Baby Got a Tiny Butt". In traditionally poorer cultures it is a status symbol to have a little fat on your woman. It means you can afford to feed her. In richer cultures you're supposed to be anorexic. It means you're above the base need for food because you've got more important things to do like lunching with the girls and pretending to eat. You are not large and in charge, you are small and in control. Eating is weakness. It is a passion that must be tamed. Get a grip on yourself. White men prefer women to look fourteen with not an ounce of fat on them. Oh boy listen to me I sound so old and bitter. I'm a harpy for heaven's sake! A harpy! Better get to the gym.
ReplyDeletethanks, Heather!
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