All I Want for Christmas is...

[caption id="attachment_2115" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My Christmas angel from Grandma"][/caption]

My brother wowed my mother and I today with a comment to her upon receiving our gift packages and placing the presents under his tree...

"...It's so nice to finally have some presents under the tree. Christmas trees are like houses, they need presents under them just like houses need people to shelter."

There is something beautiful about a house, a tree, a person coming to full glory in the realization of their true purpose. Something can be beautiful - an empty house, a Christmas tree standing alone in the corner of a well-decorated room, without being truly alive.

This brings to mind The Velveteen Rabbit, and how he became real upon being loved, needed, and eroded to a sloppy state by hugs and tears.

It is the time of year for Christmas and Hanukkah. So many of us are suffering a gut-wrenching sadness and sense of failure at our inability to present a suitable picture of ourselves, and of our families, to the world. Shouldn't we be perfectly coiffed, our beaming and well-groomed children in our laps, on the Christmas and holiday cards that we mailed out a week ago? Cards that are meant to include lengthy, hand-written sentiments to everyone who cares about us or has done us a nicety or provided a service to us during this past year? Shouldn't the perfect gift to them soon follow? The one that is both needed and appreciated? The one that makes the receiver well with emotion upon realizing that we have come to know who they truly are on the inside, all they mean to us, and the depth of our feelings for them? Followed by organic vegan fudge?

Don't they deserve this? If we do not deliver, aren't we slighting them in a way that will permanently damage their ability to give and receive love?

I used to believe that. Christmas, once my favorite time of the year, was becoming reduced to a time of immeasurable stress and unattainable self-imposed expectations. It got worse after I had children. I lost my head and bought Joe a ton of gifts last year, more than we could afford. A video game unit for the television. A tricycle that he wasn't yet able to ride. More, more and more. He, of course, was overwhelmed and had a hard time focusing. I think he spent most of his time hiding and playing in an empty box.

This year I have been dealing with the same stress, sadness and guilt, compounded by our impending move to Texas. We made the decision not to fully decorate so we didn't have to worry about packing everything right before the move. The other day I was sorting through our 30,001 bins of Christmas things, setting aside as many items as I could bear to part with for charity. The new sights and pretty things to touch inspired Joe to spring to life in a way I hadn't seen him do all year. At one point he even ran to the table and pronounced, "I love you, Mommy." Words I desperately wanted to hear, and so rarely get to hear, from my beloved son. I've waited my whole life to be able to share my love of Christmas with my children. Joe is finally ready to get into it, and we have to deprive him this year. Oh, I can barely stand it.

[caption id="attachment_2116" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="No, they aren't allowed to touch the outlets"][/caption]

But that night as I saw Joe and Lily giggling and batting around cheap garlands and shiny bows saved from Christmases past, I realized that they don't know or care about the Grinch ornaments I won't be putting out this year, or the angel candle I have been lugging around since childhood. They just like bright, shiny things. A little tree from Fresh and Easy, wrapped with disposable garlands and a string of lights, topped by the one thing I allowed myself not to pack and placed on the top of the tree by my husband in a fit of clairvoyance no doubt, the angel crocheted by my late and much beloved Grandma, is all they need. We will put two or three age-appropriate non-mechanical toys under the tree, and I am now fully confident that they will be delighted come Christmas morning.

What they are really wanting, more than age-appropriate gifts or Christmas cookies, is a smiling Mommy and happy Daddy to roll around on the floor with them, read them books and share fond memories. I will be working on shedding layers of stress and false ideas in the coming days so that I may provide them with the gift they are wanting from me both this year, and in the coming years when we are not moving, and are tempted to overdo things. I wasn't able to do it for myself, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to get myself together in time to do it for them. To finally pull that off is all I want for Christmas this year.

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On a side note, my Mom emailed me a TIME article about the Top 10 Dubious Toys around this Christmas and Hanukkah season.

The American Girl Co. has caused an uproar with the release of its limited-edition Gwen doll, who's cute and cuddly and also happens to be homeless. TIME takes a look at some other toys that have made jaws drop.

If you have time and the interest to read it, please share your thoughts in the comments area below. I'm very interested in your take on the state of the toy world. Have a wonderful day and please... go easy on yourself this month. Peace be with you.