It's Not You, It's Me

Originally published as a guest post by me at Damien Riley's former blog Postcards From the Funny Farm

We've all heard that line plenty of times, right? Right? I know it can't be just me. Perhaps we've heard it enough times that it's become white noise to us. That's a shame, because it shouldn't be.

It really isn't you. It's them.

People have issues. Heaps of them. Myself included. And it's not a new concept that our issues, prejudices, and filters are calibrated in direct proportion to our level of sensitivity and the number of hurts we have endured. Or hugs we have enjoyed. Or were denied.

We know that sometimes we read people the wrong way, misjudge their intentions, misread their words. And usually not in a positive manner. Most often we do it in such a way as to reaffirm our expectation to be rejected, under-appreciated, misunderstood. Or perhaps deep down we think that's what we deserve, so our mind paints other people's words in the bleak, dark colors of a lonely, foreboding swamp. As soon as the words escape their lips, our mental paintbrushes are reaching out, like tentacles, reassigning them and categorizing them in ways and paradigms that make sense to us.

So many of us have fortified our hearts and built up defense systems to protect us before the sword is unsheathed, the revolver cocked. And so we hear what we expect to hear, and it is always about us, the payoff being that we get to be right. Our instincts aren't to be trusted, we are not worthy of respect, we need to change who we are, how we do things, in order to be accepted and appreciated, in order to live rightly.

Our defense systems do not always protect us. At times they even render us emotional slaves to the oft misinterpreted biases, opinions, and personal issues of everyone we come into contact with.

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Example 1:

You just graduated from High School, and are speaking with a friend of your Mother, telling her all about your plans to attend the university in the Fall. Her brows furrow in disapproval, and she puts her hand on your knee, leans into your bubble of personal space and says, "You should put it off for a year and travel. This is the only time in your life where you will be free enough to see the world. If you don't do it now, you will always regret it." Then she gets up and walks away.

Now you are sitting there wondering if she is right. Have you made the right decision? You were very excited about the prospect of entering the university right away, and had never given any thought to travel, but now you are wondering if you are making a mistake. Your day is ruined and you begin to fret.

It's not you, it's her.

While your Mom's friend most likely wants the best for you, what she said had little to do with you, and everything to do with her. She always wanted to see Paris and Italy, and now that she's growing older she fears she never will. It's been weighing on her mind, coloring her thoughts. And now her thoughts are coloring yours.

Example 2:

You are a blogger, and just published your latest article, one from your heart. It is about meditation, and what the practice of it has brought to your life, how it has calmed you and allowed you to slow down and see the subtle nuances in the facial expressions of your loved ones, and enhanced your sense of smell.

You receive a comment from a Twitter acquaintance who tells you that meditation is for kooks and that nobody will take you seriously anymore. You should stick to the topic at hand, and be professional. You are taken aback, but his comment gets under your skin. You begin to wonder if, perhaps, you should keep such personal things to yourself.

It's not you, it's him.

He may long to express himself, but received the same advice early in his own blogging career, and so he is passing it along to you. He never questioned the advice, but blindly followed it. He is not a particularly successful blogger, nor is he happy, but he feels it his his place to impart advice anyway.

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Selfless, helpful people are all around us. It is not my intention to deny their existence, or minimize their contributions to our personal growth. However, my purpose here is to make you aware of the possibility that many comments you hear, either offhand or directed straight at you, are not being spoken to you. Rather, they are being spoken back at the speaker.

It's just as likely that people are speaking to themselves as it is that they are speaking to you.

This is, of course, not quantifiable, but keeping the notion in mind is sure to help stay you on your own track the majority of the time, instead of constantly being shunted of to the route of another. Life is hard enough without internalizing the personal demons of everyone around you. If a comment makes you second-guess a decision, or causes you to feel bad about yourself, please take a moment to sit back and consider the source.

Yes, this is about me, but it's also about you.

Peace be with you this holiday season. Best wishes for the new year. Please believe in yourself, and allow your dreams to unfold.



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