Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, Bill I believe this is killing me
As the smile ran away from his face
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place
From: The Piano Man by Billy Joel
Billy Joel sees what I can't. I've lived forty years inside my head, a landscape with which I am all too familiar. It is possible to bring the world into focus, but it's the exception and not the rule. When I encounter another I routinely avert my eyes lest he should volley a pleasantry for which I have no reply. I don't look at people. I feel them. I get a beat on their intentions by osmosis. I don't see them.
I am a coward.
Since I can not remember and describe that which I can not see I will duct tape my eyelids to my brows. When I walk past people I will look them square in the eye and elevate the corner of my mouth just so. I will perform the quick chin jerk that is the universal signal of acknowledgment in the land of men. I will practice the eyebrow lift, nod and audible release of breath followed by sheepish grin commonly offered to women with small children.
Is this seeing? I have a feeling it isn't enough. How can I exercise my vision without inspiring shudders of discomfort in the subjects of my consideration? Only creepy people stare.
Perhaps it's better to start small. I shall position my children in various places about the house and observe them and jot down what comes to mind.
It hurts my head to think about this. I'm not sure I can do this. I tried once and my efforts resulted in a page of prose worthy of submission to The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Is doing something very badly better than doing it passably? Is there a flip side to that joker?
I'll do it. I'll write what I see with no thought to the nausea it inspires. Shortly thereafter I will summon my old friend edit . Edit's cup overfloweth with forgiveness and second chances. After all, I can't do it alone.
I rarely comment on your blog. For some reason, I feel like it would come off as trite if I were to continually pop in and tell you how wonderful I thought your current post was. Almost like your blog was something organic, and I would spoil it's growth if I got involved. Now, having said that, I think your blog is wonderful. A cut above most and as good the best. Your abiltiy and courage to capture so perfectly the emotional detail of our everyday lives is remarkable. Sometimes I am so impressed, I have to sit back and ask myself "is that the same person I just heard fart in the living room?" : )
ReplyDeleteAll jokes aside, you are the best!
Just for that - it's tacos tonight! (Not the fart part.) :*
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of a line from Avatar (the movie) - it's a Navi greeting like Hello:
ReplyDelete"I see you."
Makes for some good philosophizing. ;)
So this is how you are when you are sick? I can't say that I don't like it. Haha. But I'd rather have you blogging not sick, Heather!
:mrgreen:
.-= reyjr´s last blog ..Win a Free Boracay Vacation Package for two! =-.
Thanks, Rey - but it's a re-post! My creative juices are definitely not flowing and I'm not even going to attempt to write until this weekend or next week after our second POD arrives & we've unpacked our stuff, got my Mom's stuff in, etc. Bluh.
ReplyDeleteI like that... "I see you". Selective perception is a necessary evil. If we saw everyone and everything all the time, I mean really saw them, we'd probably be overcome. But we can get so used to filtering people and things out that we miss a lot of the good stuff. I can't wait to see that movie!
Avatar is a great sci-fi movie. Can you believe I cried? lol...okay, that's supposed to be a secret. Anyway, I'm glad you're at last done with the transfer and all, so you're now in the phase of adjustment to new environment. Good luck, I know you'll succeed.
ReplyDeleteI had thought this was fiction at first. Your random thoughts are good...
.-= Jena Isle´s last blog ..A Journey and an Awakening =-.
Hi Heather, I love the way you write. Knowing that this is a re-post only proves that you were already writing brilliantly even before :)
ReplyDeleteWTH? I'm not sure if my comment just posted or not but here goes again...I was saying that your writing always stirs up emotions in me that I wasn't aware of. You make me take a step back and look inward...the whole time I was wondering, "Do I do that too?"
ReplyDeleteI know I do tend to avoid eye contact at times just because I'm not feeling very social or I feel like I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. Sometimes it's taken as arrogance, which makes me feel bad. Guess I'll have to work on that!
I love the comment your hubby left....hysterical!
.-= Helene´s last blog ..Reverse psychology....would it really work? =-.
As a one of the new wingnuts hanging out around these parts let me say that should you really duct tape your eyes open pictures would be required. Of course if you did put up pictures I might have to stumble or Digg them, but duct taped eyebrows and eyes are kind of cool. ;)
ReplyDelete.-= Jack´s last blog ..Hump Day Round Up =-.
haha. Your husband's comment kicks ass.
ReplyDeleteSo, is there anything or anyone in particular that you'd want to see with your glimmering eyes... eyes which are now unhampered by the lids currently duct taped to your majestic eyebrows?
.-= Ryhen | Mind Power´s last blog ..Knock, Knock! Who’s There? Occult Symbols… =-.
I want to see people and things as they really are, Ryhen. And to do that I know I must first change myself.
ReplyDelete.-= Heather Kephart´s last blog ..I can’t see =-.
LOL Jack! Methinks if I were to duct tape my eyes open for real I would no longer have eyebrows, as they would belong to the duct tape.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I do that too, Helene. When I'm in a hurry, which is often! But I think mostly I turn the world down to a faint hum as a self-protective mechanism. It has to do with lack of trust in the motives of my fellow man. (I'm getting better about that.) If somebody strikes up a conversation I think they're out to trick me or sell me something. Quite often they are, but not most of the time. And I never stop and square my feet, look the person in the eyes and really LISTEN to what they are saying, taking in their body language and all. Even the thought of it terrifies me. That's why I must do it.
ReplyDeleteWell thank you, Madz! Very kind of you. I appreciate the encouragement.
ReplyDeleteYou cried during Avatar, Jena? Okay now I have to see it for sure! I'll have to guess the part that coaxed out your tears.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you. I'm starting to understand that to write good fiction one must read great fiction. It helps!
That is why you have children. They'd be happy to give you some new eyebrows. It is a great arts and crafts project. You can give them some paint or markers.
ReplyDeleteIf you are really daring you can use yarn and a stapler, but I don't really recommend that one. ;)
.-= Jack´s last blog ..If I Was a Professional Blogger =-.
I intentionally didn't read any of the comments because I didn't want them to influence mine. I'm sure you'll tell me if I'm wrong Heather (was gonna say Anne just to see what would happen and thought better of it ;) ) but this post isn't about you is it? I found it to be more of a short story of a fictitious character, and I liked it. Tell me I'm not wrong.....please.....
ReplyDelete.-= Sire´s last blog ..The Honest Truth About Blogging For Money =-.
Well if you're going to have to confuse me with somebody, I'm so glad it was Anne. :) No, this was written from the heart. Why do you think it is a short story about a fictitious character? Jena thought it was fiction as well at first.
ReplyDeleteI wrote it when I first started doing writing exercises and I realized I had trouble describing what I was seeing. I've never had much trouble talking about my feelings, but I live more in my head than on the ground, and I don't really look at things or people. Or I didn't before I wrote this. It's scary out there on dry land, you know?
You've been there, I take it? :D
ReplyDeleteIt just doesn't sound like you. It sounds more like you're describing a third person, but as if you were seeing from within her.
ReplyDelete.-= Sire´s last blog ..The Honest Truth About Blogging For Money =-.
Interesting observation, Sire. Sometimes we see through the eyes of selves that don't get as much play as the others.
ReplyDeleteSome of your writings don't sound like "you" to me, either. I suppose as we get to know ourselves and each other better, we'll either become accustomed to these different sides, or at least less surprised to encounter the unfamiliar in the familiar.