You know how it is.
You accidentally kick out a light bulb while dancing on the ceiling.
Your mini Dachshund rips out an oak tree in the back yard leaving a gaping, potentially dangerous hole.
You drive into a gated community and stop to read a sign on the gate, dumb to the fact that the gate is slowly closing on you, until you shock into life and peel out to the sound of said gate scraping along the side of your van, faintly reminiscent of the Loch Ness Monster being strangled by Mothra.
You fix none of this. You want to. The visual reminders niggle at you every. single. day. But who has the time? The money? The energy?
It's the same for me. I've been letting things slide lately. To be specific, I've been letting myself slide. I haven't been tending to my physical, mental or spiritual fitness. My body is in a state, and it's not one of the cool ones shaped like a boot. Oops, that's Italy.
My hair is in a tizzy, in the mornings slightly frizzy, and way too dark. I look like a vampire with carpet bags under her eyes. My body resembles a hairless older cat sitting atop a bag of battling birds. I'm lethargic. Can't concentrate to save my life. My nails, undone. Toes, unforgivably untended. Spirit, vacant and scooped out by the giant melon baller that is everyday life.
Mismanaged your money and can't pay the auto bill on time? Scoop, splat.
Wondering if you've made a horrible mistake by uprooting part of your family and moving half way across the country? Scoop, splat.
Best friend from back in the day scheduled for neurosurgery in early February with "a good chance of survival"? Scoop, splat. Can't breathe.
I've been spiraling away from the light. I know so many have it so much worse. This isn't about realizing how lucky I am. This is about faith. Faith in the rightness of The Universe. Faith in oneself.
Do I have the ability to put things back the way they ought to be? To scrape my hope and confidence off the sides of the microwave, where they exploded away from me sometime mid-December, and plop them back into the bowl of me?
Like you, I want things to be good. Heck, even great. So I will do it. I'm starting to learn that picking up the pieces of ourselves and having another go at it is a necessary part of life if we want to be whole.
Starting small, of course. I started taking prenatal vitamins again. I bought a horse hair brush to coax my hair into growing. I purchased some grapes, and an eggplant. Eventually I will eat them.
When the weather gets better I will rise with Dennis' alarm and take a bike ride, then come back and shower and put on a nice outfit and full hair and makeup, regardless of my plans for the day or lack of them.
Like a car revving behind the checkered flag, I will be ready.
I will get strong and stay strong because there are so many people I love, and so many I want to love, and there is so much to do.
Those of you who are my friends on Facebook who haven't blocked me out of self-preservation know that I used to post LIVE videos all the time. Now I'm going to inflict them upon you here. Because today is a good day for LIVE.
Operation Spirit
by LIVE
Heard a lot of talk about the ocean
Heard a lot of talk about the sea
Heard a lot of talk about a lot of things
Never meant that much to me
.
Heard a lot of talk about my spirit
Heard a lot of talk about my soul
But I decided that anxiety and pain
Were better friends
So I let it go
.
Did you let it go?
Let's get it back
Let's get it back together
.
Heard a lot of talk about this Jesus
A man of love, and a man of strength
But what a man was two thousand years ago
means nothing at all to me today
.
He could have been telling me about my
higher self
But he only lives inside my prayer
So what he was may have been beautiful
But the pain is right now
And right here
.
Let it go!
Let it go!
Let it go, my friend
And let's get it back
Let's get it back together
I love Live. I would love to see Live live. heehee I couldn't resist. :? I love the song 'Lightning Crashes'. Very moving.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there with the money issues. I remember paying our bills once every 3 months. Talk about stress. It was awful and unnecessary. Oh, it was a great life lesson, though.
Btw, I am not one of those happy, smiling people you just want to slap. [did I just type that?] I'm actually quite logical, but find most things to be funny. I find I look better with a smile rather than that awful red puffiness I always seem to get from crying. Life is hard. One day at a time is all we can do. And really, laughter works your ab muscles. :-)
.-= Anne´s last blog ..General Mills is Raising the Bar When it Comes to Cereal =-.
It sucks when you're stuck in a rut, I totally get it. I think you're wise to start getting back into routine in baby steps. I just started taking vitamins again myself after having gone on my 8th day of this nasty cold that refuses to leave my body.
ReplyDeleteHang in there....baby steps all the way!
BTW - I love LIVE! I have some of their songs on my iPod but my favorite one is I Alone!
.-= Helene´s last blog ..Don't worry about me...I'll be just fine! =-.
like what my friend used to say, "it happens to the best of us"
ReplyDeletesurprisingly though, as stubborn as we are, we are able to pick ourselves up to repeat the same mistakes lol
but we do learn, slowly maybe, but we do.
Wow, there was a BIG worry tucked into this post. I hope you can visualize your friend strong and healthy after her surgery visiting you in Plano, sharing memories and hugs. And Frito Pie.
ReplyDeleteHeather, when you least feel like writing brilliantly, and may be least aware that you're doing it, you are. I alternate between giggling and dropping my jaw in awe.
ReplyDelete.-= Holly Jahangiri´s last blog ..Posts & Comments: The Heart of Your Blog =-.
Holly, yeah, no doubt.
ReplyDeleteHeather, I like that you have tagged this as self-indulgent as well. That shows a very healthy perspective on what will prove to be temporary conditions.
Anne: true dat about the abs.
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..DIY WordPress: Thesis Theme Custom Splash Page =-.
You scrape funk from the undersides of your mind and serve them to us still squirming in a shiny little bowl. Okay, they look terrible but once held up to the light, they seem to wither in the intense beam of your scrutiny, don't they? Not so lethal anymore, huh? I hope your friend do get well.
ReplyDeleteHeavens above Heather, even when you're on a downer you still manage to write well. That's pretty amazing. Don't worry too much about the stuff you have no control over, just give it time and it will resolve itself.
ReplyDeleteI've had days when I just didn't know how I was going to get through it and yet I did and the next day sometimes wasn't much better but I got through that as well. Then slowly but surely I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and it all slowly started to get better.
The thing is all the worrying probably pushed that light back so that I never noticed it being there. It certainly didn't help. Anyway, just know that your mates, especially that old Aussie bastard, are there waiting for you to come through.
PS will say a prayer for your friend.
.-= Sire´s last blog ..The Difference Between Flexibility And FlexSqueeze =-.
Life in a rut has some good things, at least I think that it does. Surely it must. No really, it has to, right. What do I know, I fell in my own rut. ;)
ReplyDelete.-= Jack´s last blog ..David Blaine: How I held my breath for 17 min =-.
Think about what you've been through these past months and give yourself a break. You've recognized the issue and are on the road to mending things. Small steps, prioritize and let go. Praying for your friend. Let us know how the surgery goes.
ReplyDelete.-= ConnieFoggles´s last blog ..Flirty Aprons Review And Giveaway =-.
I've been through worse so I can understand what you're experiencing right now. Try to look deep inside you, Heather. The answers are there. =)
ReplyDelete.-= Ryhen | Mind Power´s last blog ..Heroes Never Say Die… They Say Cheese! =-.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI like the poem. Makes me remember that when it rains , it pours. I remember one college joke we had.
The city is somewhere North so the weather was most of the time gloomy and rainy. When we feel the blues, someone would say :
" It's raining cats and dogs!"
and then anyone would reply: "Aren't they?"
That would leave us roaring with laughter. I guess, we just have to smile through days like these, and do what's best for us. As mentioned in the poem: "Let's get it back together.."
So let's get back to the road now,...lol...cheers. :P
.-= Jena Isle´s last blog ..WOOF Top Picks for January 1, 2010 =-.
I do believe that life unfolds perfectly every single day. Some days, though, I have to wonder if that's "perfectly crazy?" or "perfectly sane?"
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you good, loving & transformational energy. Please know that even though you're feeling all kinds of discombobulated, it's "all good" (as a friend of mine says). Remember that your nature is GOD (or DIVINE or GODDESS), and let that natural energy rise to the surface and positively affect your outer circumstances.
My very best to you, Heather!
.-= Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord´s last blog ..Authenticity = New Definitions =-.
Anne, why on earth would I think of you as one of those happy, smiling people you just want to slap? I am usually pretty logical like you, but I'm laughing all the time. Life is just funny. Sometimes funny funny, other times, you've just got to laugh at the situation. Sometimes people mistake happiness for stupidity. I am not one of people.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right about the benefits of laughter!
From our contact today I know you still have that cold, Helene! How awful! It just drags you down and uses up valuable energy. I'm so glad you started taking vitamins, too. They feel like a waste of time and as though they aren't making any difference until we stop taking them.
ReplyDeleteI love I Alone as well. Almost anything on Throwing Copper makes me squeal.
Roy, that was very funny! What's the definition of insanity? Something about doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result?
ReplyDeleteI do think we can have a lot of false starts. What matters is that we never give up. Good luck with your new photo blog!
Holly, how kind of you. Seriously. Thank you!
ReplyDelete(Now I owe you and I know how you are when you come to collect, pinky ring and all.)
Rosemary, you are so right about visualization! She's pretty skinny, though. Not sure she'd be willing to suck down some Frito Pie. I'll wait until she yawns, then toss a Frito in there. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put, Jan! You are so right. Why do we clutch at our funk when we could air it out and watch it become smaller in the light of day? Thanks, I know she'll be just fine.
ReplyDeleteI just threw a pan at your head. There, now you're out! :D
ReplyDeleteSire, I sometimes forget how expressive you can be. Thanks for the kindness and commiseration. I was feeling better the night I wrote this post. I appreciate the prayer.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Connie! When we are having a setback it's critical to identify the problem. Often it's the one we have the most resistance to thinking about. That's where writing can help. It's a good tool for unleashing subconscious thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayer, I will be sure to let you know how it goes.
I've been through worse as well. I think we all have. Thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's important to deal with issues as they arise instead of letting the shed fall onto the donkeys.
Smiling and laughter helps so much, it's true. I think sometimes it makes seriously depressed people feel worse when people tell them to just get over it, smile and be happy. Luckily, I am not seriously depressed. For them, it is a chemical problem and the shame they feel in not being able to conquer it on their own only compounds things.
ReplyDeleteI'm just knocked off course by things mostly within my own power to amend, as I was the one who caused them through lack of attention. In times like these we need to restock our coffers with good food, good sleep, good friends, and sunshine if we can.
And smiling most certainly does help. When people around me are irritated I do what I can to get them to make a cheesy smiley face. It's a scientific fact that smiling releases feel-good chemicals. Cheers!
What you said reminds me of a quote I heard once, something along the lines of us all being perfectly who we are meant to be at any given time. I'm not sure about that, nor do I have a grasp on life's mysteries. I do feel like we manifest our own experience to a large degree. I'm a self-punisher, so when things aren't going well I blame myself, as it was I who brought things to that point. Perhaps if I just thought of it as a lesson that I needed to learn, or that I'm still learning, and all is as you say "good", I would be less apt to punish myself and quicker to shake it off and get it back together.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all that fabulous energy, Megan. I can feel it! The very best to you as well. :)
I know what you mean, Heather. I apologize for ribbing you , the first time you came out with it....he he he...I was trying to tickle you hoping to bring a smile on your face. The intention was good.
ReplyDeleteI have read one article about experiments on the Law of Cybernetics in which people who were depressed were ask to act out being happy. So they formed groups and "pretended" to be happy; i.e. talking with a smile, laughing, being jolly...etc.
They found out eventually that the pretended action slowly permeated into each person's system making them truly feel happy in the end, only the duration varied and of course there were exceptions.
I agree that sometimes all people need is a "silent" presence and not someone telling them just to get up and keep going, it's better said than done. It's insensitive...he he he,...sorry....
Hugs...and cheesy smile...still deeply care for you.... :P
.-= Jena Isle´s last blog ..WOOF Top Picks for January 1, 2010 =-.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI mean,
"Cybernetics in which people who were depressed were askED to act out being happy. "
Jen
.-= Jena Isle´s last blog ..WOOF Top Picks for January 1, 2010 =-.
I have my moments Heather, and if I ever stuff up or forget myself you have to make some allowance for me, after all I am a mere male.
ReplyDelete.-= Sire´s last blog ..If Women Controlled The Earth =-.
Girl welcome to Texshush!!!! I liked LIVE a lot and I look forward to the video. Hey if you are in the area we need to meet up and work out, grab a coffee and do some Texas size shopping :)
ReplyDelete.-= Ms. Freeman´s last blog ..Does Banning Personal Internet Access in the Workplace Increase Productivity? =-.
Thanks Ms. Freeman! What is this work out you are referring to? Ah yes, I remember. You mean people suffer through that type of activity with OTHER PEOPLE?! Madness! I'm all for coffee and shopping, though. If, by shopping you mean thrift store shopping cause we done spent all our money on movin' trucks and hotel rooms! Seriously, someday we'll have to so a Texas meetup of sorts. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't go hiding behind your gender now, Sire. There is no such thing as a "mere" male.
ReplyDeleteGee Heather, I don't wear a skirt so I can't go hiding behind that, what am I left with? :D
ReplyDeleteGood point! You are rather err... "out there", aren't you? Hmm... how about... the shrimp on the barbie?
ReplyDeleteShrimp on a barbie is cool. Cooked up a wild batch for my daughters 18th, went so well I didn't even get a bite.
ReplyDeleteForgot to reply to this. Be careful with those pans. The last skillet that hit me in the head broke. Got a very thick skull with a big callus from running into walls. ;)
ReplyDelete.-= Jack´s last blog ..Back To The Hospital...Again =-.